it really hit me last night, that i was here. it took a little while, whole days in which i looked around with a vacant look on my face, and glassy, staring eyes. i kept telling people that my brain hadn't caught up to reality yet, that i had left it in san francisco, right next to my heart. but maybe some of my heart is here, too. maybe its in pieces, strewn across the countryside. and maybe that's what's helping me awake to the reality of here and now.
last night i sat with my mom in front of the t.v. and let the realization sink into me that i was not leaving in a couple of days, like usual. it fell like a stone, through me. and as it sank i felt panic, then fear, then a sort of timeless sadness, then resignation, then a feeling close to joy. i don't know why this town scares the hell out of me, but i realize now that i have a chance to figure it out, and deal with it.
so, it's ok
last night i sat with my mom in front of the t.v. and let the realization sink into me that i was not leaving in a couple of days, like usual. it fell like a stone, through me. and as it sank i felt panic, then fear, then a sort of timeless sadness, then resignation, then a feeling close to joy. i don't know why this town scares the hell out of me, but i realize now that i have a chance to figure it out, and deal with it.
so, it's ok
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