transference of subject and object

Current mood:apocalypse-y ache-y

i'm not sure why, but my head constantly pounds with a dull pain behind my eyes these days, the only relief pushing fingers into various parts of my skull until my sinuses say "give" and begin acting more responsibly. everything seems to make my head hurt.

and i know that there are reasons for this pain. i know that my head is actually sickly. but most of the pain seems to come from my mind.

if i could take things back i would, suck the words backwards through teeth clenched in fear and anger. un-nod my head, release your fingers. if i knew how to do these things, we could return to something that perhaps i don't want, but that allows us to function like human beings who care about each other.

dreams dictate my reality. every night i lay down my head to personal movies of betrayal and loss. everyone i've ever met shows up to play a part, turning their heads away in turn. after a while, it begins to feel true. and i pull away some more, feeling like i did, so many years ago, when i started to shut the door on so many things. on you. because it was easier than feelings. because it was easier than truth.

words should fly out between us. they should be as easy as running. but they get caught in my throat and eaten alive. i'm through repeating words, repeating actions, repeating thoughts. parroting who i used to be. i don't know how to go forward from here.

please help me.