Current mood:floaty
i'm leaving in three or so weeks. leaving here. going back to where i came from, in some sense. that feels weird to me. the thought that i actually came from somewhere else. and that there it is much much colder.
for instance, the computer tells me that it's 57 degrees outside right now, but that can't be true. because i am freezing. absolutely cold. what's the california equivalent of wind chill? there must be one.
maybe i'm getting sick.
but i feel this heaviness, this drag, on the thought of returning to massachusetts, to spend what amounts to the whole goddamn winter in a place that fills me with such sadness. it's terrifying and exhilarating and ... terrifying. i have visions of productivity, of a vacation from my life here, of writing and making music and basically figuring it all out. and then i have nightmares that i will be unable to do anything, to even move. that the heaviness will get heavier, until it crushes me.
christ, how melodramatic.
but i'm discovering how much i need my friends here in california, how i need to take pieces of them with me, that i hope they will send me words and hugs and trinkets and kisses, wrapped in clumsily-fashioned homemade envelopes and sealed with wax and glittery stickers. perhaps i am needy right now, perhaps i ask too much. or maybe i just need to know who my friends really are.
i'm kinda scared. and i need someone to hold my hand.
for instance, the computer tells me that it's 57 degrees outside right now, but that can't be true. because i am freezing. absolutely cold. what's the california equivalent of wind chill? there must be one.
maybe i'm getting sick.
but i feel this heaviness, this drag, on the thought of returning to massachusetts, to spend what amounts to the whole goddamn winter in a place that fills me with such sadness. it's terrifying and exhilarating and ... terrifying. i have visions of productivity, of a vacation from my life here, of writing and making music and basically figuring it all out. and then i have nightmares that i will be unable to do anything, to even move. that the heaviness will get heavier, until it crushes me.
christ, how melodramatic.
but i'm discovering how much i need my friends here in california, how i need to take pieces of them with me, that i hope they will send me words and hugs and trinkets and kisses, wrapped in clumsily-fashioned homemade envelopes and sealed with wax and glittery stickers. perhaps i am needy right now, perhaps i ask too much. or maybe i just need to know who my friends really are.
i'm kinda scared. and i need someone to hold my hand.
 | Currently reading: Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters and Seymour: An Introduction By J. D. Salinger Release date: 01 May, 1991 |
