i am sitting in the back room of modern times, the front door locked, occasionally disturbed by the rattling of confused shoppers who don't realize we close early on sundays and are trying as hard as they can to get in. i don't usually work on sundays, so i am confused as well. and it is still sunny out, which puts my head into a tailspin, just prior to crashing.
i am trying to remember how to not be so insular, how to spread myself out like tentacles and actually pay attention to other peoples' lives. i am tired. and i forget how to be a good friend.
i forget how to be a friend at all.
i feel like there are only so many times you can tell people to be patient, to hang in there, that i still love the hell out of them, that i'm just a little disconnected, just a little ... um ... anti-social.
completely anti-sociality.
social-ness?
whatever it is, i appear to be against it.
so when i make a phone call now, my heart leaps into my chest, and i am almost afraid. of what? huh?
that someone will pick up and still care about me?
or that they won't.
and my jaw buzzes with healing, as i finally got some damn health insurance to deal with all the things that are very wrong with my mouth. dental-wise, that is. just the other day, a very small lady told me about growing up in san jose as she shoved a squealing sonic something-or-other under my gums until my very short nails almost tore up the insides of my palms with the grasping reaction to the pain. it was the kind of pain that got worse as it went on, strangely so. at the end she had to periodically distract me with the regular ol' pointy scraper thing before delving back in with the squealy gum-shredder.
i know anyone bored enough to read this far is absolutely cringing by now.
but you're hearing this from the girl that has had so much dental work that i almost fell asleep during my first root canal.
for reals.
and this is why, despite my dedication to the idea of abstaining, i have been drinking a lot the past few days. fucked up, yeah. but when aspirin/ibuprofen produces the kind of allergic reaction that sends me to general in the middle of the night, gasping for air, i take my painkillers where i can. anandi gave me Tylenol with codeine, but i am wary of it, and of the seeming flexibility of my allergic reactions.
what's the point of all this?
guess i'm just tired of drinking alone.
so maybe i'm ready to stop with the moping, and the hiding. maybe i will pick up if you call, and will actually take you up on the invitation to go drinking in the park because it is one of those rare times when san francisco nights actually mimic the warm summer nights of where i am from. originally.
maybe i really do love you. even if i don't show it. not nearly at all.
yes.
i am trying to remember how to not be so insular, how to spread myself out like tentacles and actually pay attention to other peoples' lives. i am tired. and i forget how to be a good friend.
i forget how to be a friend at all.
i feel like there are only so many times you can tell people to be patient, to hang in there, that i still love the hell out of them, that i'm just a little disconnected, just a little ... um ... anti-social.
completely anti-sociality.
social-ness?
whatever it is, i appear to be against it.
so when i make a phone call now, my heart leaps into my chest, and i am almost afraid. of what? huh?
that someone will pick up and still care about me?
or that they won't.
and my jaw buzzes with healing, as i finally got some damn health insurance to deal with all the things that are very wrong with my mouth. dental-wise, that is. just the other day, a very small lady told me about growing up in san jose as she shoved a squealing sonic something-or-other under my gums until my very short nails almost tore up the insides of my palms with the grasping reaction to the pain. it was the kind of pain that got worse as it went on, strangely so. at the end she had to periodically distract me with the regular ol' pointy scraper thing before delving back in with the squealy gum-shredder.
i know anyone bored enough to read this far is absolutely cringing by now.
but you're hearing this from the girl that has had so much dental work that i almost fell asleep during my first root canal.
for reals.
and this is why, despite my dedication to the idea of abstaining, i have been drinking a lot the past few days. fucked up, yeah. but when aspirin/ibuprofen produces the kind of allergic reaction that sends me to general in the middle of the night, gasping for air, i take my painkillers where i can. anandi gave me Tylenol with codeine, but i am wary of it, and of the seeming flexibility of my allergic reactions.
what's the point of all this?
guess i'm just tired of drinking alone.
so maybe i'm ready to stop with the moping, and the hiding. maybe i will pick up if you call, and will actually take you up on the invitation to go drinking in the park because it is one of those rare times when san francisco nights actually mimic the warm summer nights of where i am from. originally.
maybe i really do love you. even if i don't show it. not nearly at all.
yes.
